Shifting time

I haven’t written in so long.  I couldn’t.  I made the decision to stop trying for another baby.  It was consuming me and our family.  I was very close to having a nervous breakdown.  Sometimes I think I had one but just kept going because there was nothing else I could do.  I still feel it as a tragic loss in my life, my son’s kids won’t have cousins from our side of the family, they won’t have aunts or uncles.  I really don’t give a crap if I sound selfish and if I should be grateful for the one I have.  Of course I am grateful.  I love every breath of him.  My love for him always made me want more.  My love for being a mother.  It saved me.  I finally felt right.

I had a brief flirtation with a herbalist a few months ago.

I bumped into an old friend, we chatted, she asked my why I only had one child, (I know, right???), anyway – I gave her my standard answer, ‘I would have loved more, it just didn’t work out.’  It’s taken me a while to get to that standard answer, I used to give the, ‘ah sure, you never know’ or ‘God willing’ or if I knew someone well, the totally fly off the handle, how dare you judge me, why are you asking me about my fertility…blah blah answer.  Anyway – the old friend pushed, (BTW she was very pregnant with her 3rd child.)  She told me that her 3 hadn’t just come along.  She recommend the herbalist, I went to see her.  She was a smart lady, I liked her, we talked a lot.  She sent me some potions, I took them but with no real conviction.  DH working away this month, maybe I’ll start taking them with conviction at start of next cycle.  Maybe not.  I’m not convinced though…not convinced that I’m mentally strong enough to face down the ‘hope’ road again.  He was home briefly in or around the ‘right’ time.  I’m already thinking, maybe…..I wish I wasn’t.

Another month and still no sign of baby

Another month goes by and still no sign of pregnancy.  I am caught in the loop of being really pissed off for the first few days of my period.  Then start to get hopeful on day 3 when I take my famera, positively elated when I ovulate, then like a bear during the 2.5 week wait time and then devastated when it’s a BFN.  How much longer can I do this, honestly, this is probably my last month.

It will be a hard decision to stop taking the drugs but it can’t be any harder than going through this every month.

Phillips ReAura – Week 4

It’s hard to describe how thrilled I am with this product.  Yes, I still have lines but a lot of the finer lines have all but disappeared and the deeper lines look a lot less noticeable.  Overall, my skin texture and complexion is glowing, (even when I’m kept up all night with a sick child).

A few tips, don’t try and use it in the bathroom after a shower or a bath, the steam interferes with the laser.

For me, the area’s I need to use it the most the ones that really hurt, around the eye’s, top lip, smile lines.  I can’t say the pain has gotten any less but it is very bearable.  There is still no way I could use this product in the morning and then go out anywhere afterwards, even make up wouldn’t cover how red my skin gets BUT it is taking less time to recover.

I’ll post my before and after pics post week 5, so keep tuned in.

Morning after Session 2

Just a quick update.  My face recovered much quicker after the second session.  All redness gone and no puffy eyes.  Skin looks positively glowing this morning :).  Advice:  Do the first session as early in the evening as you can and don’t do it if you have work or event the next day.

Philips ReAura – Session 2

Just finished my second session with the ReAura.  Did it hurt any less?  No.  Am I any less sore or sun burned afterwards?  No.  Still, it was quiet bearable.  Right now it feels like a really sore sun burn that will have totally eased by the morning.  Note to anyone considering purchasing – DO NOT USE THIS IN THE MORNING IF YOU HAVE TO GO OUT ANYWHERE  (at least 10 HOURS post session).  One of the ladies that features on the Philips YouTube advert says she gets up half hour early and does it before she goes to work.  I’m not sure how she manages this!  I couldn’t imagine putting make up over my face right now.

I don’t think I was any quicker or slower this time round.  What did I learn?  It’s practically impossible to do my nose, (I’m not sure why I want to do my nose, maybe to help with pores?).   Doing my upper lip hurt like a mother f*cker!  This worries me slightly as I’ve bought this with my MIL and that is her main problem area and she has ZERO threshold for pain.  (When I pass it over to her, I will blog her feedback too.)

I’m looking forward to seeing the results in 2 days time, initial results 2 days post first session were amazing.  No real change in lines or wrinkles but my skin definitely had a radiance quality to it, that it’s never had before.  Manual and book says that improvements in fine lines and wrinkles won’t be seen till, at the earliest, week 5, so I’ll post my progress pictures then.

 

An aside….Philips ReAura – Session 1

Okay, so this is a complete aside from my fertility ramblings, (there is no real change on that front and I missed blogging, so I thought I’d write about my new toy).

So for the longest time I’ve hated the lines around my eyes, the deep one between my eyes, my seriously marked skin and a recent patch of crepe paper skin on my neck, (that is ridiculously aging.)  I’ve bought every lotion and potion under the sun and while they are all nice, they’ve made no impact to my aging, (I use creme de la mer and it has improved my outbreaks a little and feels lovely).  There’s no way I’d consider botox or anything like that, I don’t want to look like a cod fish and, as regular readers will know, I’m trying to get knocked up – so I’m not going to put chemicals into my body.

Last week I bought a Philips ReAura, it’s seriously expensive, so I bought it with my MIL, we each bought our own gel and cream.  We’ll rotate it every 8 weeks.  (It’s not practical to switch it back and forth during the week as there is a safety setting on the ReAura that won’t allow you to use it twice in 48 hours.)

I will post before and after pictures but I’ll do that at the end so you can see the difference and judge for yourself.  I watched the instructional DVD, which has a really good demo from a lady who uses it, (even if she does speak to her audience like they are all morons), then off I went.  I had planned that it would take about an hour being my first time but I was finished in 40 mins.  The recommend that you use power setting 2 for your first go, I went straight to 3 and it was totally bearable.  They also recommend that you just treat 1 area in your first 8 weeks and then treat another area during your second 8 weeks and so on.  As I’m sharing mine, I opted to do my face and neck.

It was a little tricky at first, trying to get the laser to stay on all the time but I got the hang of it after 5 or so minutes.  It did hurt but I got used to it very quickly, when I switched to a new area, it took about 30secs to adjust to the pain again.  If you have a low threshold for pain, definitely stick to power setting 2 for the first go.

When I had finished my skin looked and felt sun burned, (which, according to the DVD and manual is perfectly normal and means it’s working.)  Next morning the redness was gone but skin under my eyes was a bit puffy.  Nothing that couldn’t be hidden with some light tinted moisturizer.

Today, 2 days later, I can’t believe the transformation in my skin!  Seriously, I feel 5 years younger and that’s after 1 session.  I think the main improvement is to the overall radiance.  Already marks that have been there for years are gone, (those red marks that looked like spots under my skin).

My skin does feel quite dry, a little like fine sandpaper.  Again, perfectly normal, according to the manual.

I’m going to do session number 2 tomorrow, will keep you posted.

 

 

I passed!

So relieved, I passed my NFP exams. I am now a certified NFP practitioner, I’ve set up a Facebook page, to try and promote charting. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Maybe-Baby/318247184859532
Check it out, hopefully the start of a new direction in my life. The NAPRO course is next Sept. I’d love to do that also, it will mean a week off work and a serious cash investment but I really think it’s worth it.

Study Exams Study Exams

Well it’s all done and dusted now, not the course – but the written exams at least.  I’m half way through the course and have completed the two written exams.  I need 80% to pass, so here’s hoping I’ve done enough.  (I don’t think I’ll find out until I go back up in November).  If I pass, I’ll be a qualified NFP educator.  I still have 2 more full weekends of the course to go in November, they will focus on unusual circumstances, such as pre-menopause and post partum charting.  Then I will have to take on 3 clients and teach them to chart, I’ll also have to build my own teaching manual, (which I’ve decided to do on my iPad – how flash ;)).  I go back up in April and present my manual and my teaching cases.

Apart from becoming a Mother, this has been the single most life changing thing I’ve done.  I hope I can help lots of people have lots of babies.

It’s funny the impact all the work load and exams had on my own cycle.  I didn’t think that I was stressed but I guess I must have been as my own ovulation was late, by 3 days.  I love how I know exactly what’s going on with my cycle now.  Charting is so exact.

Next step is to start work on my teaching manual, for me, that’s the fun part.  I’ll do it on Keynote and use my iPad.  What a shock it will be for the antiquated NFP group, (training was done on an overhead – brought me back to my college days :)).

I started on Mucodyne this cycle to help improve my CM, (which as been pretty crap apart from the cycle I got pregnant and the one right after it).  I was a bit worried as nothing was happing and it didn’t seem to be taking effect but then I had a 3 day build up and 1 day of great peak type CM.  It’s still not great CM but it’s better than previous months.  Fingers crossed oestrogen and progesterone numbers will still be good this month.

 

Day 3

So my femara dose was increased from 5 to 6, I took 8!  I feel the Doc is taking a very softly softly approach but for me, time is running out.  She told me that you can take up to 24, so I’m not worried.

Doc is on holidays till Monday, so I’m not sure if I’m going to do follicular tracking or not this month.  Oestrogen was 367 last month, not quiet at the required 400 but certainly the best result I’ve had since starting.  I’m also starting on Mucodine this month as, apart from the month I got pregnant, my CM has been pretty poor.

I’m hoping I’ll have the good sense not to waste money on tests until peak +17.  Last 2 months I have tested on peak +15, of course I always get a BFP as there is still pregnyl in my system, so it’s completely futile but I just can’t seem to help myself.  Getting that ‘NOT PREGNANT’ on day 17 is so gutting then.  This cycle, I’ll just have to be strong.

Course is going very well, big written exam next weekend, need over 80% to pass.  Need to do some serious revision tonight and tomorrow.  Once I pass, then I need to get some clients and chart their cycles.  I have 2 definite’s already.  One friend who wants to understand her cycle better and 1 who wants to get pregnant.  It would be great if I could find someone who wants to use it to avoid pregnancy too.

I know I say this every month but really and truly, I think this is my month….all prayers and good thought accepted.

Life consuming

I’m in one of those states of flux again.  Day 31 but BFN.  It’s so all consuming.  It’s not that I feel that my life is on hold, my life IS on hold.  I had lunch with one of my previously closest friends yesterday and we have drifted so far apart we hardly had anything to say to each other.  She is stay at home Mom to 3 small kids, I’m a full time working Mom to 1.  When on maternity leave and even when I was working part time, we had such a great connection, now, I’m just not sure any more.  I know in her mind, I should just focus on having a baby and nothing else.  As the main bread winner, I don’t have that luxury.  As for other friends, I just never seem to have time and that’s as much to do with my emotional state as anything else.  TTC is so very all consuming.  Am I drawing to the stage where I say enough is enough?  I guess not yet, I’ll see the NAPRO through for another few months and then call it.